Suit Yourself

1 Samuel 16:7 - "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."  (NIV)

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I once purchased a greeting card that said the only thing worse than nuclear war is trying on bathing suits. My sentiments exactly. Recently, I spent a whole week shopping for the perfect suit since all the ones I own feature Rice Krispie elastic . . . . so old it snaps, crackles, and pops. The new swimsuit tags made it sound so easy. “Look sleeker. Look slimmer. Feel more confident in your swimwear with power net control. Finding your perfect fit as easy as 1-2-3.” One, two, three my eye. There were dozens of choices to be made. First, I had to decide if I wanted a suit equipped with a bust minimizer or a bust maximizer. That was a no-brainer for anybody who knows me. If I were any more “minimized,” my chest would be concave. For women who are well endowed, there was a feature called “full cup support,” which presumably keeps “the girls” from pulling a “Janet Jackson” when you do a one-and-a-half off the low board. Next up was the tummy toner suit which sounded like a must-have until I cork-screwed myself into one. It felt like I was choking on a chicken bone and the person administering the Heimlich maneuver wouldn’t let go. The thigh reducer suit also sounded appealing but without smoke, mirrors and a matching full-length cover-up, I didn’t see how it could possibly pick the pockets of cellulite on my thundering thighs. On the same rack, I found one-piece suits available in a “long torso model” for cheeky women who prefer not to have their suits in the thong mode all the time. Further back in the store, I was drawn to the bikinis which were pretty tempting with their mix and match pieces for mix and match bodies. That is, if you had a double A chest and a double D butt, you could find a two-piece suit that would fit. It wouldn’t disguise the fact that you look like a walking Bartlett pear and haven’t done a single sit-up since eighth grade gym class, but it would fit. Then again, what fits and what doesn’t fit is apparently open to discussion. If you have any doubt about that, visit your local swimming pool and check out the deckside mammals. In case you were wondering, I never did find the perfect swimsuit when I was out shopping, despite all the slick promises, the newest fabrics, and the sleek designs. So, if you see my at the pool or beach anytime soon and I sound like your breakfast cereal, it is likely my knees or my ancient swimsuit. Here’s to better luck suiting yourself!  

by Sue Busler