Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers

The first workshop I attended at the 2014 Hearts at Home conference was Leslie Leyland Fields' Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers.  Fields is an international speaker who has written nine books including Parenting is Your Highest Calling . . . and Eight Other Myths That Trap Us in Worry and Guilt as well as Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers.  She lives on Kodiak Island, Alaska, with her husband of thirty-six years and the last two of her six children who range in age from eleven to twenty-five.

What I enjoyed the most about her presentation was her honest account of her own dysfunctional childhood mixed with healing based not only on the Bible, but also psychology.  Thus, the co-author of Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers is Dr. Jill Hubbard, a clinical psychologist.

During Fields' talk, one could hear sobbing throughout the lecture hall for not only Fields' story, but for one's own story being not only acknowledged, but truly heard.  A woman in what looked to be in her fifties seated near me had a stream of tears running down her face.  My heart ached for her because I could see that hurt girl inside this woman and identify with her.  I wanted to reach over and wrap my arms around her, but movable desktops blocked my way.  Instead, I gave her my e-mail as we were shuffling out of the auditorium and told her she was not alone.

Over the years, I have heard in regards to my own personal story, "Get over it!" and "I am sorry for whatever you think I have done," which does nothing to ease the memory or the hurt.  In reading memoirs written by my writing students, the forms of abuse parents inflict on their children is unimaginable whether through threats, denial, accusations, or neglect to name a few.  In talking with others, I ask, "Why?"  For, a child is a gift from God.

Wishing to connect further with Fields and her story, I purchased Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers and read it in a span of twenty-four hours.  Click here to read the review.

Out of 213 pages, I marked ninety-nine passages.  The following is a sampling . . .

". . . we are entrusted with our pasts, and we must make something out of the 'burden of our witnessing'"  (12).

" . . . our fathers and mothers are acts, attitudes, afflictions that affect each child differently and not evenly"  (36).

"Psalm 56:8 says, 'You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book'"  (36-37).

"Too much frustration, chaos, and unpredictability [in a child's life] creates varying degrees of trauma"  (58).

" . . . must remember the child you once were, to give that child the validation and voice she or he never had"  (104).

"Those who have hurt us may not repent- ever.  They may not change in any way"  (123).

"God allows us to recall some of our memories as needed, and some He keeps recessed for our own protection until we are ready"  (173).


"Our childhoods are stolen.  The land we are taken to is oppressive.  We want only to escape"  (179).

" . . . God replaced all that with other people who cared"  (193).

"We do not need the offender's remorse or repentance in order to forgive, of course.  However, without that repentant response, we cannot be reconciled"  (199).

Dear Lord,
Thank you for having woman blessing Sarah K. think of me and invite me to Hearts at Home.  Thank you for connecting me with Leslie Leyland Fields, her book, and the woman seated next to me during the lecture.  Your work of six degrees of separation is humbling.  Please guide me to be the best mother I can be to my two girls.
In your name, I pray,
Amen

 

By Courtney Winkler

World's Okayest Mom

I love where I live…the schools, parks, shops, restaurants, trails, our church; it’s a wonderful place to live and raise my child. Can you hear the “but” coming? But, there is a downside. I have found that perfectionism is pervasive and I have struggled with my own insecurities when faced with such perfection. We can all describe the perfect mom…her meals are always home cooked, her children beautifully dressed, coifed, and well behaved. She actually MAKES the crafts she has pinned on Pinterest. She never loses her cool and everywhere she goes, she arrives on time. That’s a lot of pressure for a single mom who is perpetually late and at best makes 5 out of 7 dinners a week!

While I was at the Hearts At Home 2014 conference, I attended a workshop called “Successful Parenting or Faithful Parenting”, and the presenter, LeslieLeyland Fields, started by having us describe the perfect mom and then shared how she started out striving to be the perfect mom and after several years was ready to give up, seriously just walk away from her life. She challenged us to “lay down the impossible mother-load of guilt, pride, failure, and fear” and helped us debunk some parenting myths like successful parenting will lead to Godly children and that nurturing your children will always feel natural. She reminded us that even though Proverbs 22:6 says, “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it,” that Proverbs is not an instructional manual or a promise but rather observations on life. And striving for perfection doesn’t mean that my kiddo will turn out perfect or that I will impart lasting faith in her. If anything, I could really mess up His plans for her! Leslie reminded us of Ezekial 2:5 when the Lord said to Ezekial, “…whether they listen or not… they will know that a prophet has been among them.” I need to live my life knowing God’s love and out of that love, love my child. I don’t need to be perfect but it’s hard when in the face of seeming perfection.

Leslie’s workshop reminded me about a blog post I read last year called Quit Pointing Your Avocado At Me in which the blogger, Glennon Melton, shares her struggles competing with perfect mommies before realizing that the mompetition is in her mind and “Everybody's just doing the best she can, mostly.” My insecurities are my own and my perceptions of others’ perfection are my own too. Most of us are familiar with the adage, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Glennon adds, “Including you.” I don’t know what is going on behind closed doors. The mom who coordinates her daughter’s hairbows to match each day may be hiding depression. The mom who brags hourly about her sons on facebook may have struggled with infertility. The family happily playing together at the park may be overwhelmed with debt.

Leslie, Glennon, and all of the amazing speakers at Hearts At Home 2014 reminded me that I am who I am supposed to be. I shouldn’t try to be perfect and in fact, when I show up late and messy and imperfect, I give others around me permission to do the same. I am showing up to my life in a wonderfully imperfect way and each day I am trying to be authentic and genuine and love my daughter…and sometimes my voice will raise or bath night will be pushed another day or homework will be forgotten and that’s ok. I thought I had to be the best, most perfect mom to have a happy kid but it turns out I just have to be the okayest.

By Sarah Kirkpatrick